So what the hell… Leap.

I stumbled upon this line today and it made me think about next week. Next week I will be starting over. Doing something different from what I’m doing now… in a completely different setting and industry.

The excitement has stayed with me, although it has dwindled a bit because of occasional doubts and a gazillion daily what-ifs that keep on bombarding me.

A few weeks ago I had actually considered staying exactly where I am right now. I am comfortable. Save for a minor problem with how incompetence with the person I should be looking up to here at the office, I am actually quite comfortable here. Flexible time. Fun teammates. Access to YM, Facebook, and Twitter. Hahaha.

For a moment I forgot why I wanted to leave and move on, when I looked on at the plush, contented set-up I currently had.

And then a voice inside my head berated: It's now or never.

And it reminded me how a few months back I had cried myself to sleep. Because I felt so lost with what I was doing. It was not even about physical weariness and exhaustion. It was more deep-seated. Emotional. A sense that I was not doing what I was meant to do. I felt so unfulfilled; I went home that day absolutely broken.

It was my broken-ness that told me how much I wanted to go out into the world and try something else. Something new. Something that would maybe make me feel less of a robot, and more like a human being doing something that matters.

The moment that initial interview ended months ago, I knew in my heart, that the change I prayed for for years has arrived.

And because it was effortlessly detected, but painstakingly executed now, I am quite certain the road I’m about to take is a GREAT one.

I think what I was most scared of was myself… That I might not be able to change along with the new surroundings. Adapt. That despite moving to a new work place, I will be stuck here in the old one. Robot-like and dead.

And so today, writing this is a way of strengthening the Faith I have in the world, in fate, and in myself.

And that despite the constant questioning of things, and the comparison, and the uncertainties, and the fear…

WTH. I’m taking the Leap. :)

Disbelief and Strength

I can't believe it's really over.
I can't believe no one will ask me about how much I love fried fish from now on.
I can't believe no one will take us to Pampanga on Holy Week anymore.
I can't believe when Mark and I get married his dad won't be there.
I can't believe our future kids won't have anyone to call Lolo.
I can't believe another father figure went just like that...without saying goodbye.
I can't believe I have not seen him in 2 years, and now I'm not gonna see him forever.
I can't believe tomorrow, when Tita wakes up, he won't be there. He will never be there again.
I can't believe he's never coming home to us.



Sometimes, when the moment catches me off-guard, these are the thoughts that bombard my mind.

And just like back when my dad died, I feel panicky. I feel like I'm in someone else's story or movie. I feel like it's a bad bad baaad dream. And I just need to wake up.

And then that moment turns into an awful 5 or 10 minutes. When I want to do nothing else but cry my heart out. When I feel lost for Mark, I feel lost for his mom, I feel lost for his brother...I feel lost for all of us.

An awful 5 or 10 minutes when I start questioning whether our plans are ever gonna push through; is Mark ever gonna recover?; Will everything change from now on?

But then just when those 5 or 10 minutes start to become unbearable, I feel his presence. I feel my dad's presence. I feel my Papang's presence.

And they remind me that life goes on for the living.

And that we who are left behind are strong enough to go on with our lives.

We will miss you, Daddy Ernie. Every single day.

Life goes on

Never unscathed.

But I promise,

A few tomorrows from now we will wake up a little more intact.

-emz

Please let everything be okay

Because when it comes to things involving my family, I may still seem tough on the outside... but I will always be the little girl crying out to God, telling Him she would gladly give up all her dolls in exchange for her family's safety and happiness.

Dear God,

I don't have much.

Really, they're all I have.

=((

Change is just around the Corner

Almost 5 years in the same place. I know I need some sort of change to happen now. Whether it's in the form of a new job... Or a better platform from a new boss.

I'm holding on to my faith. Whatever's best will happen. :)

Soulmates

Even in the world after this world, we will be together.
Two magical beings of light and air.
Dancing through the heavens,
Shaking the stars free from the night sky.

Even in the life beyond this life,
Where a billion souls free-fall through the Universe...
I will come.
And I will find you.

The first time I read this I was 13 years old. Back then I thought: soul mates = lovers. I thought the word only applied to romantic links and relations.

But since then I've met a lot of soul mates.

In the form of my sisters, whom I love completely and unconditionally.

In the form of girls who I consider as my sisters.

In a friend I met inside the first music room I stepped in to at the age of 11. In the same friend 15 years later, when everything's changed but we have both remained as child-like as ever when we are together.

In the form of new friends I've clicked with instantly. Friends I feel I've known for life. Friends who have their weird ways, but I manage to accept them for who they are. Friends who I think are in my life right now to show me how much more love I am capable of giving.

In the form of a boyfriend who is now also my best friend in the whole world. Who knows me inside-out. But who still surprises me with new antics. And who still gets surprised with my new ones. Familiarity and Adventure all rolled into one.

Today I think about the people I consider my soul mates. And how lucky I am to have found them. And how with some of them I am still confused as to how close we really are supposed to be, but when I'm with them everything seems to make sense and everything matters, and everything is about laughter and smiling and happiness.

And that no matter what happens, I'm keeping them. :)

The Sun is Out

Well, it actually rained again tonight. But earlier this morning the sun was shining. And the weather news advised everyone that the typhoon has changed its course and its landfall won't occur in the country anymore.

I was feeling absolutely relieved this morning before going to bed. Mark and I have a beach trip this weekend and all week we had been dreading that it won't push through because of the gloomy weather.

But then I woke up to a text message by lunch time. I'm scheduled to go through a final interview for a job in a company I'm actually REALLY interested to be a part of. This will be on Saturday morning... at the exact same time we are scheduled to leave for Puerto Galera.

And so for one dramatic moment, the drama exaggerated by the fact that I was not thinking that straight since I just woke up, I asked myself: The Beach? Or a New Job?

The truth is choosing between the two is not really that big of a deal. The only concern is we we're supposed to leave with Mark's officemates.

But because of the interview, we can't do that anymore. I know Mark's a little disappointed. But the good thing is we can catch up with everyone the second my interview is over.

He's been so supportive. He knows I wanna make it to that interview. To get a shot at that job. To finally be able to be a part of a new company, a new environment, work with new people. Nothing's final yet, but to be able to take the opportunity to at least TRY to make it is the start of everything, right?

He knows how much I've been praying for this... more than anyone else.

So I guess to cut to the chase, today I learned how compromise and support is important in every relationship.

Because yes, my answer to the melodramatic question I posted upon myself in my half-awake state was: I WANT BOTH.

But whether I get one, or the other, or neither... knowing I have someone by my side who is willing to adjust things just so I could go after the things I want, is the warmest form of sunshine I am enjoying in my life right now.



May the following days bring more sun... and more good results, not just to me, but to everyone.

=)